Hey there Dreadfuls,
Warning for spoilers, dark humor and possibly disturbing content.
Also, even though I’ve already recapped the later episodes, I will be pretending I have no idea what’s going on, so bear with me.
The first episode began with us sharing an intimate moment with a nameless lady (whom I shall call Elizabeth.)
Then this happened.
Someone just took her. And it was scary to me because who abducts people when they’re pooping?
Not someone with manners, that’s who.
Of course she also had a child with great timing.
Don’t get up. Go back to sleep.
Goodbye child. It’s a good thing I didn’t name her because look what happened with Elizabeth.
So far, two people are dead. And a woman is praying. My feelings at this moment were:
Then a creepy spider showed up.
And we heard a voice speak to the lady.
What the voice actually said was “soon, child,” and “I’m hungry.”
You can always order pizza but I’m pretty sure that’s not the deal here.
So Josh Hartnett showed up like this:
He was making up stories and people were clapping.
Eva Green’s face already won me over at this scene to be honest.
And Josh was killing it with the accent.
He finally ended the show with a nod to the ladies.
This woman volunteered and they had some sexy times.
She wasn’t having it.
Ethan! His name is Ethan! I already love him.
He also seemed to have daddy issues?
Eva wasted no time.
She told him she needed someone good with guns and up for business.
She told him she wasn’t fooled by his “chill” appearance, basically.
And then she told him her observations, how he used to be rich and he hides his true self and his hand tremors.
Ethan was impressed.
May I just say that my first impression of her was just “ok, weird” but I actually liked her attitude and how she didn’t remind me of anyone else.
Also she seriously seemed to get stuff done.
Ethan asked if he was going to kill someone and Eva Green asked if it mattered.
He told her he would accept it if she smiled.
Yes, she wins the face awards.
She didn’t give him her name. Which I loved.
“You have a name?”
“Yes. Lol bye.”
They met at night.
He was very cheerful as if it were a cute date.
They entered an opium den.
And we met this mysterious, intimidating guy who asked Ethan if he had his guns with him.
But of course Ethan didn’t seem to take it seriously.
The man was all about business.
Ethan kept trying to get a proper answer.
Clearly, we are lucky in the facial expression department.
Also, they looked like a great team.
Then the serious dude started talking to the suspiciously pale dude, and all I heard was this Spice Girls song:
But then things got kinda tense:
And the other guys were also like:
Also these vamps were really touchy feely.
Ok, I can’t keep calling her Eva Green. Big spoiler: Vanessa didn’t care.
She walked around everyone fighting and entered a room of dead bodies.
This guy went after her.
I don’t know about you but he seemed pretty high-maintenance to me.
He went for Sir Malcolm Murray. But Vanessa got in the way.
The vamp had a strange reaction to that.
Then we had what I want to call the Vampire Lady Gagas.
Our gang went to find a doctor to examine the body.
They met this handsome and kind of arrogant piece of work.
Yup, that will be the character motto.
Ethan didn’t appreciate that.
I love/hate him already.
I’m here for this banter.
But then, Vanessa figured out how to get his attention. She pulled back the covers.
This guy had ancient Egyptian words tattooed all over him.
“It would appear you have an Egyptian man of no particular age, who, at some point in his indeterminate lifespan, decided to sharpen his teeth, cover himself in hieroglyphics and grow an exoskeleton. Or you have something else altogether.”
Ethan finally decided to ask what was up.
Seriously, though, he had better hair than everybody else in the room. Josh, if you’re reading this, you have pretty hair and it looks hella soft.
Anyway. *clears throat*
Remember Elizabeth and her daughter? They were found.
Ethan dropped by the Murray mansion.
So, this guy is called Sembene, and he’s pretty cool. Even though he mostly talks with his eyes, you’ll know exactly how he feels about people.
Yes, they have a connection.
Vanessa sneaked up on Ethan. He was surprised.
Then they entered a room with a tarot deck on the table and Vanessa asked, “Do you believe there is a demimonde? A half world between what we know and what we fear?”
I was gonna make him say “not since the fifth season” but I want to play nice.
Ethan got super intense.
And Vanessa said he was playing his role well but they needed “a man of great violence with hidden depths” like him.
Then she made an offer, saying he could leave but he could also stay to help them find the vampire they were looking for.
But he didn’t want to do it. (Do you blame him after that horrible vampire? Nope.)
Vanessa tells him they might be running from the same thing. And that they all have curses.
Then she asks him to pick a card.
And tells him to believe.
Vanessa and Malcolm talked about Ethan coming back, and Sir Malcolm said they wouldn’t let him leave town.
Later we saw this nice paper with Jack the Ripper headline.
Mr. Malcolm and Vanessa paid a visit to the Egyptologist Ferdinand Lyle, who was more than excited about it.
This guy seemed less enthusiastic.
When Malcolm came:
Ferdinand wanted Malcolm to sign his book. And his posters. And his pillow case, probably.
“Could I be more charmed? No I could not.”
He’s obviously destined to be a favorite.
Vanessa noticed the flesh eating bugs.
Ferdinand was annoyed with her remarks but Malcolm distracted him with photos of the vampire tattoos.
Ferdinand told him they were about a blood curse but he didn’t want to go into detail.
He said he’d like to get to know them before he did business.
Malcolm almost had a stroke.
He reluctantly accepted.
He told them the words were from the Book of the Dead.
Our duo were like, “yeah, so?”
In the meantime, people were gathered outside of the murder scene.
Ethan seemed upset.
Back to our young & arrogant doctor. Sembene knocked on his door.
So he went.
Mr. Murray tried to persuade him to join his mission with promises of hidden knowledge and mysteries.
Young & arrogant doctor said he didn’t care about knowledge if it didn’t serve anything.
Also his favorite subject was duh, death.
Suddenly he started rapping.
Okay, not really, but just for a second, replace all his poetic speech with an Iggy Azalea song.
This kind of sums it all up:
Okay what he really said was:
“I would never chart a river or scale a peak to take its measure or plant a flag, there’s no point. It’s solipsistic, self-aggrandizement. So, too, those scientists who study the planets seeking astronomical enlightenment for its own sake; the botanists studying the variegation of an Amazonian fern; the zoologists caught up in the endless fascination of an adder’s coils; and, for what? Knowledge for its self alone? The elation of discovery? Plant your flag on the truth. There is only one worthy goal for scientific explanation: piercing the issue that separates life from death. Everything else, from the deep bottom of the sea to the peak of the highest mountain on the farthest planet, is insignificant. Life and death, Sir Malcolm, the flicker that separates one from the other, fast as a bat’s wing, more beautiful than any sonnet…that is my river, that is my mountain. There I will plant my flag.”
It’s a great speech but also hella long, is all I’m saying.
Malcolm was impressed.
Our doctor admitted his bank account matched a poor poet’s.
He said he wouldn’t join an amateur occultists society and started to walk away.
He told the doctor that his daughter was taken and he needed help to get her back.
The doctor asked, “Why me?”
Ok, no, Malcolm said it was because he wasn’t afraid to look under the ugly vampire’s skin.
Malcolm returned home and everything was as normal as it could be.
He believed that his daughter Mina came to him after all this time for help. When Vanessa said she was to blame for all this, he said that she needed to let it go already.
But then he told her about how he was hunting once and a lion looked at him and he felt like he was being hunted instead.
So that’s something to think about.
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Vanessa had another intense prayer session.
Okay, for everybody going “WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
Stay with us.
Later our cute doctor was back home, looking slightly paranoid.
He entered his secret room.
Is anyone surprised?
Of course, the lights went out.
And the dead guy disappeared.
Don’t you love how freaking calm he is for a guy who lost a dead person?
Victor seemed overwhelmed with emotion.
But then the dead guy reached for him, and I thought “Here it comes, he’s gonna poke his eye out.”
But he just wanted to take the tear.
Then our doctor introduced himself to his creation.
“My name is Victor Frankenstein.”
With the help of the hauntingly beautiful music that was playing in this scene, I’m guessing a lot of you felt like you just witnessed the birth of your own monster baby.
So we got our Frankenstein!
Unless you’d already figured it out the moment you saw him or when he talked to Mr. Murray about his love of death, this must have been a cool surprise.
I have a feeling this show will be a love affair for many, as it’s been for me.
You can follow me at @OzgeBurcakA for updates!
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