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The map of love and the song of loving

Sometimes you feel everything at once.

Imagine a tiny explosion in your chest. With it, all of your strongest emotions surface. Your past blends with now and now pulls the future and hands it over to you. You suddenly embrace your dreams, fears, all of it. You see the exact moments that have haunted you, that became you and those moments you ache to live.

Everyone you’ve ever met has nourished your mind in a way and now you’re remembering those feelings, the colors of a relationship; warm, bright, like flickering little lights, fiery spots clouding your vision. Then the sounds follow.

Then your mind wanders and creates new memories, moments to look forward to, new people to meet, places to love. Your heart responds, it starts to race and you experience that overwhelming feeling. Your love, your longing, your sadness, everything is tangled up all at once.

You love the people who’ve been in your life. Perhaps you won’t see them again but you love them. It’s as if we exist in that state of forever when we return to what we love so no one is ever lost. It doesn’t make sense to lose people, your past doesn’t disappear even when you forget your memories. The love you felt once is all there, forever. Your experiences are safe, no matter what you think or feel at the moment.

Sometimes you might want to hold onto the feelings attached to the images in your head. You still exist in those moments as you revisit them. Even the moments you may not have enjoyed before can be lovable when you’re further away in time. You long for more life, a life outside of your own. You wish for no worries, no thoughts to burden you.

Sometimes you might just want to walk somewhere. You know, you were free when you didn’t realize it. There were always possibilities, maybe more opportunities for you waiting in the past. Maybe it’s just the illusion of an idealized version of it. You can’t go back to the you who didn’t take a chance. So now, you just like to think you could be better. The past is a dream now.

You walk through it in your mind; it’s all hidden in your memories, a moment that remains still forever. There is the soft wind, the stillness of green, the sun warming your face and the people rushing by while you’re invisible. There’s laughter. You miss the orange tones of people’s emotions, you miss the warmth of friends before you were disappointed in every thing, you miss every thing about them actually. You revisit moments and you’d argue if you could go back now. Maybe you’d ask them more questions, you’d tell them the truth without holding back, without the fear of losing them. Maybe that would mean winning them back in some way.

You miss the small things that made up your life. Like taking walks at night, the night air, even when it felt lonely, the music playing in the distance, people talking, laughing. You miss the blur of fairy lights. You even miss the things that made you miserable, even the cold mornings.

You could do so much if you went back but would you? You could just stay still, on the same spot, watching things unfold.

If you could go back now and change some things, maybe you’d be less afraid of everything.

You regret not doing things. You regret letting the irrational fear which seems more real than anything else at the time–stop you.

Do you regret loving or losing anything?

Now when you close your eyes, what makes your heart race is the moments you haven’t lived. Your heart reaches out, just to grab and possess them one by one, with all the passion and love it carries for life, waiting to be revived with adventures and the people you haven’t met and loved yet.

People we love wait for us at different points in time. Like a map of love, the ones we will love are also waiting. So one day we’ll talk, laugh, dance, smile with them again.

Now you miss them terribly because you didn’t realize how happy you were in those moments. Sometimes you’re nostalgic about the future and hopeful about the past when it should be the other way around. And still, you’re indifferent to the now.

So we’re all waiting and it’s like waiting for your favorite song to play on the radio. The song that feels like it completes you. When you heard it for the first time, it felt like a piece of the puzzle of your being fell into place, like someone out there understood you before you told anyone how you felt. So you play the song on a loop to get it out of your system yet you can’t get over it. So it becomes a part of you, a part of your smile, a deep sob you can’t keep in, a joke you mess up while laughing too much. It will become that lovable, awkward silence you’ll share with someone you keep smiling around. It’ll be a nervous grin at an inappropriate time.

There’s a sense of peace in waiting.

Something new happens and now everything’s different. All you did was take a step outside yourself and now nothing will be the same again.

Do you know what it’s like missing people you haven’t met? It’s like waiting on the edge of a cliff. It’s a like a dream you can’t remember. You love a song in a language you don’t speak, you don’t understand the words but it connects to a part of you. You want to know so bad what it means, you’re surprised by how the feeling overwhelms you. It’s almost like there’s something there that calls you, something you need, something that communicates with a hidden wound in you and maybe it needs air. The wound wants to heal. So you let it do as it likes as the emotion in the song just pours into you no matter the words.

Then comes the second phase. You’re not sure if you want to know the words. What if the song loses its magic?  You need to let go of the fear of breaking the spell.

When you do find out the hidden meaning it can be magical. There’s a relief better than the attraction you felt. The story inside is like a surprise in a package worth keeping, it helps you understand how your heart works.

You don’t realize the true capacity of your heart. How much you can love. Every time you make a connection, that yearning you couldn’t name before makes sense, now you feel more complete. Not that you’re not whole on your own, it’s more like completing another level in your own game and finding the objects you needed and the characters you were supposed to meet all along. These moments, the people, the songs, they’re like surprises you’ve left for yourself along the way. It’s all so perfect, so right for you in the right time. The beautiful thing is you don’t even know what’s coming and you’re not supposed to. So you might feel like something’s missing, like there’s too much empty space to fill before your life ends.

Those you loved and those you’ll love are parts of your life and you can never lose them. Even after letting them go or leaving them behind, you can always go back to those moments where it’s all perfect, true and beautiful, like a song you love playing on a loop.

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