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How to Write an Honest CV, Resumé & Cover Letter

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any job you might not get by using this method. On the other hand, I’m probably responsible if you do get one. (Really though, please don’t take this seriously.)

The question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I want any job? Or do I want the right job to fill my heart with bliss while truly expressing my soul’s desire?”

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If the answer is “I just need to feed myself (and my five children), thank you,” I respect your struggle and you’ll probably do well with most resumé, CV or cover letter examples you can find on the magical network humans call the internet.

But if you’re saying “No, I’m done trying to sell my soul to a company that doesn’t get me or fulfill my needs as a human being” you have come to the right place, my friend. Go find a template you like with a simple google search and let’s see what an honest CV, Resumé & Cover Letter looks like with personal examples I will provide based on *Miss Piggy voice* moi.

Now, let’s start with the easiest parts:

Education

[Keep it simple, school name, dates. You don’t need to tell them about how you wanted to study something else. And don’t make excuses about your GPA and why it isn’t higher.]

Experience

[Insert work experience that is impressive as heck but doesn’t make you look overqualified. Use facts and emphasize your achievements as necessary.]

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Skills

Some personal examples:

  • Can read Captchas. (And don’t say “Everyone can do that.” Because no.) Okay, I lied. This is how I feel about captchas.
  • Can watch things for hours.
  • Knows how to read & write in multiple earth languages.
  • Can stare into space for however long necessary.
  • Makes people laugh.
  • Great motivator.
  • Eats things.
  • Feels things.

References

Let’s just take a chance here and write the email and phone number of everyone who could say a nice thing about you if they were actually asked. Half of them might not remember who you are but what matters is at one point, they knew you existed. (I might actually have dead people on my list. I’ll need to update that sometime.)

Warning: Now it gets even more honest, and depending on your own experiences it might also get slightly bitter, cynical or downright depressing. Mine goes a little like this:

 Strengths

  • Hates being told what to do.
  • Maladaptive daydreamer.
  • Reluctant leader.
  • Loses her soul while doing repetitive work that has nothing to do with her talents and doesn’t do good for anyone.

Weaknesses (Actual Weaknesses Instead of Strengths Hidden as Weaknesses Like “I’m Such A Hard Worker, Goddammit” or “Oh, I’m So Kind-Hearted and Generous”) Let’s rename this one as “Qualities employers don’t really like”:

  • The employee eats actual food and needs somewhere to stay, this is probably why she likes to be paid with real money. She might expect to receive payments on time, like monthly instead of every four months.
  • Could use a raise after two or three years. (No? Too soon?)
  • Doesn’t enjoy being manipulated, finds positive reinforcement more motivating than backhanded compliments, aggression and general rudeness. (This one can be tough for certain employers.)
  • Might be willing to (but not excessively ecstatic about) getting you a sandwich when she’s actually there to do her work which is not getting you a sandwich. (This isn’t actually a big deal when you’re an assistant but it’s not exactly the highlight of anyone’s career as a routine.)
  • Dislikes crowded, small places with too much noise.
  • Has to use the bathroom and return home at night, like everyone else. Remember, she’s not a robot.
  • She might asks questions when she wants to know things.
  • Expects to be acknowledged and sometimes even rewarded for her good work.
  • Might find it weird that she has to tolerate your horse riding stories, especially those with demonstration and sound effects. Especially when you offer her a ride as well.
  • Will probably think it’s creepy if you’re inappropriate. Simple solution: Don’t do that.
  • Isn’t very enthused about working in an environment where it feels like The Hunger Games or The Hills Have Eyes.

Alright, this looks good. Strengths might seem fewer in numbers but we said “Honest CV” and also it’s quality that matters. Few in numbers might be priceless in efficiency. Or something.

 Hobbies

Anything that says “I’m smart, fun, social and have values”.

Example:

I love inserting myself into everything I read and watch, not paying for stuff unless I have to, shooting imaginary videos when I’m listening to music, having imaginary conversations with imaginary people, squishing cute animals as I make appropriate sounds, talking to inanimate objects, getting real cranky when I’m hungry, daydreaming, wanting to roundhouse kick people on public transportation. Normal human things.

Anything goes.

Cover Letter

Hello Dear whoever I need to impress to get an interview,

I’m the bestest because… reasons.

I’m devoted enough to work my backside off for your company and do outstanding work but I’m also modest enough to expect nothing more than whatever you’re willing to give me. I won’t bother you much about it because I’m really low-maintenance at the same time. Like a dream come true, am I right?

I’m also an amazing and fun person and *pulls out hypnosis pendulum* you want to get to know me yet I totally act like I don’t know my own value which, let’s be honest, is what makes me beautiful—just like that good ol’ One Direction song.

I’ll probably accept most of your conditions because I have to. Would this happen if I were rich enough to be traveling the world with wind in my hair? No. But we do what we must to survive.

So call me maybe.

[insert emoji]


And that’s what I truly feel is authentic when it comes to writing a CV, Resumé & Cover Letter. (Also sums up why I’ve been a freelancer for the most part.)

Okay, this approach might not actually get you a job so I have to remind you to be honest at your own risk. Or simply follow your bliss and do what you enjoy so you could actually be happy? Whichever you want, good luck and let me know how that goes for you!

 

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